I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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