kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
