sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I am naked and annoyed.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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