i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
