i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
