So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
why do cheetos always look like penises
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize