I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
