I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
