Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
