If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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