Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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