Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
