No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
