420 ftw
someone get that fucking seahorse.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
