final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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