God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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