I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
