ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
