even my farts smell like vagina
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
