If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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