ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
