It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
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I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
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I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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