Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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