So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
