I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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