Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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