Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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