I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
