I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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