i just had sex bonerless
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
my liver is dry heaving
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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