You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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