This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
