That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
