The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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