Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
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He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
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I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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