Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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