Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
