god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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