you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
