My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
