ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
