I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm too high and old for this...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
