i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
