Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We are all done wearing pants today
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
