All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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