I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
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