I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
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You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
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If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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