i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
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Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
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Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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