i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Randomize
