First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
