i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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