im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
