Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
