Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
40s are totally the cure
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
