My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
