i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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